Did you know that it was possible to forget that you actually enjoy your life and you don't just endure it? Me, either, until one day earlier this week, I thought to myself "I used to be happy" and I realized I used the past tense. The truth is happiness without David does not feel the same as happiness with David. And David's death has shaken me to the core of my being. Like, who am I if #SafetyDave doesn't exist. It will be 5 years this October 30 and I am still trying to figure that out. It has been a hard 5 years. End of 2023 through 2024 has been especially hard on Jack medically and emotionally. His anxiety is still higher than ever. He has not fully recovered physcially. And if Jack's anxious, I'm anxious, and if I am anxious, Jack is anxious and round and round we go. I have begun to think of our lives as a constant circling of the drain that is living life. We are in a difficult season right now.
BUT there is JOY when Jack's smiles and laughs and every single day. There is JOY in Elise (my granddaughter/Jack's niece) speaking up for him to tell me that if he could, he would tell me that I am embarrassing him with the way I comb his hair. There is JOY in watching Jack and Elise rekindle their closeness of childhood. There is so much JOY that God has brought us through Elise living with us.
This morning, our pastor hammered home a lesson God has been working on with me. In fact, earlier this week, I joked with a friend that understands my irreverence is not actual irreverence but my way of coping by saying, "Why doesn't he give up already and quit trying to teach me this lesson that I don't seem to ever fully grasp? After all, he made me. He KNOWS me. " The way our pastor worded it was to "quit living as if God doesn't exist!"
Ouch! I wouldn't say that I do that. I mean, after all, I study my Bible. I teach Jack the bible. I have discussions with people about God and his goodness ALL.THE.TIME.
But. What do I do when I run into some wall, like insurance or financial need? I jump right into figuring it out. How am *I* going to get this done? How am *I* going to make sure things turn out right? Who do *I* need to contact? I walk around with a weight of responsibility that is crushing me and sucking the joy out of me. I am not responsible for the plan!!! God has a plan and he very patiently waits for me to turn to him when I run to the end of what I can do and cry out to him.
Sometimes, I do remember to throw up a quick prayer asking God to bless the plan that *I* have figured out. I have to stop. Physically, mentally, and emotionally, I am not built to do this alone and I am beyond exhausted.
I publicly professed my faith in Christ when I was around 7 or 8 years old. I am now 52 and *still* trying to get my heart and brain on the same page with what I believe. God has a good plan. God is the author and finisher. My job is NOT to figure it all out or make it all work. My job is to follow where God leads even and most especially when it is scary and hard and I can only see one step at a time. There is joy in knowing that this weight I have carried is not mine. There is joy in knowing that I can put it down because God truly has this. And I know this. I know this and feel it and before this day ends, I am likely to start picking some of it again. Thank God that God continues to be patient as I spend this lifetime trying to draw closer to him.
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