learning to slide

One of Jack's favorite activities right now is going to a new local skate park. He rides his plasma car all over the place. Sometimes Elmo gets to ride on his own skateboard 

Sometimes Jack supermans and rides the skateboard himself. 

I pulled out my old rollerblades from back in the day and they broke so I got some good old fashioned roller skates so I can skate along 

I don't know all the proper skater lingo but Jack calls this sliding. 

It's been a minute (or several) since I have been on roller skates so I am not quite as brave as Jack and to keep up with him, I sit on my bottom and slide down some of these so he doesn't take off without me. 

At first, sliding on my bottom was the only way I could go down the "slides". I graduated to staying low and eventually being able to stand while sliding down some of the less steep ones. These slides cause me to roll faster than i am comfortable but I am learning to literally lean into the discomfort and let the ride take me far enough and I regain my footing. Seems like as soon I regain my footing though Jack is off sliding again.

If that isn't a metaphor for life.....

Temptation

Over the last 697 days, I developed a habit, an obsession. Facebook and One Drive have these lovely features that allow you to relive your memories on that date from as long as you have been posting/storing. I have been starting each day looking backwards, trying to remember what Dave was doing in each picture or why he wasn't in some pictures. In my head, i have been reliving all the things-the good, the bad, the mundane. Each day, i have been starting my life with Dave in it again. Throughout the day, I keep Dave present by ruminating about those days. I even laugh and argue with Dave in my head all over again like the moments are new. I miss Dave deeply because I love him deeply and he loved me deeply. This pain is the price of great love. I don't want to accept that he is gone and he's not coming back. He's not in the basement trying to figure out some stock thing. He's not just asleep in the bedroom because he stayed up way too late for no good reason and needs a nap now. He's not gone to the bank. He's not here, he's not coming back and I am sad, I'm angry, I am confused, and I don't know what I am doing with this life. I don't understand how this is part of God's good plan.  

But I am trying.....I told myself that I need to stop trying to live life in reverse and that I need to stay in the here and now with Jack, my family, and my friends. It's not really a choice anyway but Facebook keeps tempting me saying come on back here to the life you knew. It was different but it was mostly happy. 

I didn't know my life could get more different but here we are. 

Today I took off my wedding ring

 I believed and would have argued and told you that I continued wearing the ring to honor the fact that, in my heart, I am still married to Dave even though he has gone on to heaven. 

It's a hard truth to realize that I was wearing the ring to tether him back to this earth. It was a way of holding on as if yes, you only see me and Jack out and about but Dave is back at home doing his thing. I didn't want to look down at my hand with no ring and remember and grieve my loss. I have been desperately holding on nearly 2 years later as if he really might just reappear as quickly as he left. 

My therapist encouraged me that I have to grieve, truly allow myself time and space to grieve and I do not want to. He reminded me to trust in the God of the universe who created me, to truly trust him with all my pain and grief and to trust his plan. I would have claimed I was doing that. In truth, I have been busy managing all the things and believing that yes God was working his plan keeping me busy doing all the things. 

I have felt a gentle nudging since that talk with my therapist-a nudging in my spirit to let the ring go. To let the ring go and trust that God sees every tear and feels every pang of loss when I view that empty finger. So I took it off this morning but not without fear-I fear that my relatives might think that I am dishonoring my marriage to Dave, I fear that our older son, Patrick, may be angry that I am letting go of his dad (I honestly don't expect Jack to notice), I fear that my widow friends with whom i have vehemently defended the wearing of the ring might think I changed my mind, I fear that some people might even think that I want to move on as in enter a new relationship. 

I am trusting in the perfect love of God. And if you see me wistfully staring at my empty finger and crying, know that I need to grieve. Maybe give me a hug or a pat on the shoulder but let me grieve. I have been trying to hold it altogether and I need to truly let go and trust God with the whole plan.