Family began arriving at the house. This was in the middle of the pandemic when we had been keeping Jack away from absolutely everyone. I had 2 thoughts--David would be so mad at me letting Jack be exposed to so many people and Jack won't be able to comprehend the loss of his daddy with everyone here. There was too much going on and I couldn't make sure that Jack knew his daddy wasn't coming back. I was honestly petrified that I would be spending the next long while trying to get Jack to understand that Daddy was gone and I couldn't go get him.
Turns out that I was the slow one. Jack began to adapt nearly immediately. I told him that Daddy was gone to heaven and to my recollection, Jack said "with Nana, Aunt Teresa, Uncle J J, and Grandma." This may not have happened exactly like that the first time I told him. Memory is a weird thing. The point is that he seemed to understand and accept nearly right away that his daddy was no longer here with us.
Nearly 2 years later, I am still struggling with acceptance. When talking to people, i often say we, like "we homeschool our son", "we live in Helena", "we always loved that show"....and in a way, I feel like I have just kind of been trying to hold things together until he comes back.
I didn't actually think this or say it before now but it's almost like I have been waiting for Dave to come back so I would have my safe place to grieve him. He was my safe place. I don't really cry in front of other people and honestly Dave and I were not even people who cried much in front of each other. But as much as I could express and feel my feelings with anyone, it was with him. He's the one I *need* to talk to about how much i miss him and wish he was here. He's the one I need to turn to and remind him of the stupid/funny/random thing he would have done in that precise moment. He's the one i *need* to talk to. And also, who else is going to make the irreverent jokes with me about how dare he go and die on me without taking care of a bunch of stuff first? And how dare he not give me some notice first since he knows I am a type A planner? He's the one who would say something really stupid that would at first confuse me and then make me laugh and then he would say you cannot post this or tell anybody as we would laugh until our stomachs hurt.
I miss him so much.
I stand before God like a spoiled toddler. God said, "no" and I am still crying and stamping my feet and flailing on the floor not willing to accept that i cannot have what I want. And I do feel God patiently waiting me out and like that stubborn toddler I do desperately want to crawl into his lap and take his loving hug and fall into the restful sleep I need but also I am still over here hoping this tantrum will make him change his mind.
