26 days to 2 years

In just 26 days, it will be 2 years since the life I had cultivated over the 26 years prior ended.

I don't even know exactly when it ended. I can look up on a death certificate to find out when they "called it" but David was already cold and blue when I started CPR begging him to come back. I knew he was already gone. I just didn't want him to be. I prayed and prayed. I knew he was gone but begged God for a miracle anyway. I believed that this could not possibly be the plan. My husband could not be dead. He just couldn't. God wouldn't do this to Jack. To me, maybe... I mean i wasn't a perfect little wifey. But, certainly, God would not and could not do this to Jack who loved and admired and imitated his daddy. 

Family began arriving at the house. This was in the middle of the pandemic when we had been keeping Jack away from absolutely everyone. I had 2 thoughts--David would be so mad at me letting Jack be exposed to so many people and Jack won't be able to comprehend the loss of his daddy with everyone here. There was too much going on and I couldn't make sure that Jack knew his daddy wasn't coming back. I was honestly petrified that I would be spending the next long while trying to get Jack to understand that Daddy was gone and I couldn't go get him. 

Turns out that I was the slow one. Jack began to adapt nearly immediately. I told him that Daddy was gone to heaven and to my recollection, Jack said "with Nana, Aunt Teresa, Uncle J J, and Grandma." This may not have happened exactly like that the first time I told him. Memory is a weird thing. The point is that he seemed to understand and accept nearly right away that his daddy was no longer here with us. 

Nearly 2 years later, I am still struggling with acceptance. When talking to people, i often say we, like "we homeschool our son", "we live in Helena", "we always loved that show"....and in a way, I feel like I have just kind of been trying to hold things together until he comes back. 

I didn't actually think this or say it before now but it's almost like I have been waiting for Dave to come back so I would have my safe place to grieve him. He was my safe place. I don't really cry in front of other people and honestly Dave and I were not even people who cried much in front of each other. But as much as I could express and feel my feelings with anyone, it was with him. He's the one I *need* to talk to about how much i miss him and wish he was here. He's the one I need to turn to and remind him of the stupid/funny/random thing he would have done in that precise moment. He's the one i *need* to talk to.  And also, who else is going to make the irreverent jokes with me about how dare he go and die on me without taking care of a bunch of stuff first? And how dare he not give me some notice first since he knows I am a type A planner? He's the one who would say something really stupid that would at first confuse me and then make me laugh and then he would say you cannot post this or tell anybody as we would laugh until our stomachs hurt. 

I miss him so much. 

I stand before God like a spoiled toddler. God said, "no" and I am still crying and stamping my feet and flailing on the floor not willing to accept that i cannot have what I want. And I do feel God patiently waiting me out and like that stubborn toddler I do desperately want to crawl into his lap and take his loving hug and fall into the restful sleep I need but also I am still over here hoping this tantrum will make him change his mind. 

Dreams

When I was young, I dreamed that when i became a mom, that my children would feel safe and happy to be around me. As i grew older and realized that I really like order and routine, i realized that I was unlikely to be the fun mom. Dave was Mr. Jokester and spontaneous. I figured the kids would be running, jumping, and playing with Dave while i grumbled over cleaning up their mess, fussed about their grades, and told them to clean their rooms. 

Funny how dreams work though.....in 2005, Jack was born. Something shifted. I found myself making messes, banging on pots, riding a bike IN THE HOUSE, anything so that Jack would smile, have fun, and continue to develop. So here I am today, at 50, lacing up my roller skates and rolling around the skate park with my kid who always wants ME to hang out with him. 

Also, because of his OCD, Jack also likes order and routine so ......

learning to slide

One of Jack's favorite activities right now is going to a new local skate park. He rides his plasma car all over the place. Sometimes Elmo gets to ride on his own skateboard 

Sometimes Jack supermans and rides the skateboard himself. 

I pulled out my old rollerblades from back in the day and they broke so I got some good old fashioned roller skates so I can skate along 

I don't know all the proper skater lingo but Jack calls this sliding. 

It's been a minute (or several) since I have been on roller skates so I am not quite as brave as Jack and to keep up with him, I sit on my bottom and slide down some of these so he doesn't take off without me. 

At first, sliding on my bottom was the only way I could go down the "slides". I graduated to staying low and eventually being able to stand while sliding down some of the less steep ones. These slides cause me to roll faster than i am comfortable but I am learning to literally lean into the discomfort and let the ride take me far enough and I regain my footing. Seems like as soon I regain my footing though Jack is off sliding again.

If that isn't a metaphor for life.....

Temptation

Over the last 697 days, I developed a habit, an obsession. Facebook and One Drive have these lovely features that allow you to relive your memories on that date from as long as you have been posting/storing. I have been starting each day looking backwards, trying to remember what Dave was doing in each picture or why he wasn't in some pictures. In my head, i have been reliving all the things-the good, the bad, the mundane. Each day, i have been starting my life with Dave in it again. Throughout the day, I keep Dave present by ruminating about those days. I even laugh and argue with Dave in my head all over again like the moments are new. I miss Dave deeply because I love him deeply and he loved me deeply. This pain is the price of great love. I don't want to accept that he is gone and he's not coming back. He's not in the basement trying to figure out some stock thing. He's not just asleep in the bedroom because he stayed up way too late for no good reason and needs a nap now. He's not gone to the bank. He's not here, he's not coming back and I am sad, I'm angry, I am confused, and I don't know what I am doing with this life. I don't understand how this is part of God's good plan.  

But I am trying.....I told myself that I need to stop trying to live life in reverse and that I need to stay in the here and now with Jack, my family, and my friends. It's not really a choice anyway but Facebook keeps tempting me saying come on back here to the life you knew. It was different but it was mostly happy. 

I didn't know my life could get more different but here we are. 

Today I took off my wedding ring

 I believed and would have argued and told you that I continued wearing the ring to honor the fact that, in my heart, I am still married to Dave even though he has gone on to heaven. 

It's a hard truth to realize that I was wearing the ring to tether him back to this earth. It was a way of holding on as if yes, you only see me and Jack out and about but Dave is back at home doing his thing. I didn't want to look down at my hand with no ring and remember and grieve my loss. I have been desperately holding on nearly 2 years later as if he really might just reappear as quickly as he left. 

My therapist encouraged me that I have to grieve, truly allow myself time and space to grieve and I do not want to. He reminded me to trust in the God of the universe who created me, to truly trust him with all my pain and grief and to trust his plan. I would have claimed I was doing that. In truth, I have been busy managing all the things and believing that yes God was working his plan keeping me busy doing all the things. 

I have felt a gentle nudging since that talk with my therapist-a nudging in my spirit to let the ring go. To let the ring go and trust that God sees every tear and feels every pang of loss when I view that empty finger. So I took it off this morning but not without fear-I fear that my relatives might think that I am dishonoring my marriage to Dave, I fear that our older son, Patrick, may be angry that I am letting go of his dad (I honestly don't expect Jack to notice), I fear that my widow friends with whom i have vehemently defended the wearing of the ring might think I changed my mind, I fear that some people might even think that I want to move on as in enter a new relationship. 

I am trusting in the perfect love of God. And if you see me wistfully staring at my empty finger and crying, know that I need to grieve. Maybe give me a hug or a pat on the shoulder but let me grieve. I have been trying to hold it altogether and I need to truly let go and trust God with the whole plan.