Over the last 697 days, I developed a habit, an obsession. Facebook and One Drive have these lovely features that allow you to relive your memories on that date from as long as you have been posting/storing. I have been starting each day looking backwards, trying to remember what Dave was doing in each picture or why he wasn't in some pictures. In my head, i have been reliving all the things-the good, the bad, the mundane. Each day, i have been starting my life with Dave in it again. Throughout the day, I keep Dave present by ruminating about those days. I even laugh and argue with Dave in my head all over again like the moments are new. I miss Dave deeply because I love him deeply and he loved me deeply. This pain is the price of great love. I don't want to accept that he is gone and he's not coming back. He's not in the basement trying to figure out some stock thing. He's not just asleep in the bedroom because he stayed up way too late for no good reason and needs a nap now. He's not gone to the bank. He's not here, he's not coming back and I am sad, I'm angry, I am confused, and I don't know what I am doing with this life. I don't understand how this is part of God's good plan.
But I am trying.....I told myself that I need to stop trying to live life in reverse and that I need to stay in the here and now with Jack, my family, and my friends. It's not really a choice anyway but Facebook keeps tempting me saying come on back here to the life you knew. It was different but it was mostly happy.
I didn't know my life could get more different but here we are.
No comments:
Post a Comment