Today I took off my wedding ring

 I believed and would have argued and told you that I continued wearing the ring to honor the fact that, in my heart, I am still married to Dave even though he has gone on to heaven. 

It's a hard truth to realize that I was wearing the ring to tether him back to this earth. It was a way of holding on as if yes, you only see me and Jack out and about but Dave is back at home doing his thing. I didn't want to look down at my hand with no ring and remember and grieve my loss. I have been desperately holding on nearly 2 years later as if he really might just reappear as quickly as he left. 

My therapist encouraged me that I have to grieve, truly allow myself time and space to grieve and I do not want to. He reminded me to trust in the God of the universe who created me, to truly trust him with all my pain and grief and to trust his plan. I would have claimed I was doing that. In truth, I have been busy managing all the things and believing that yes God was working his plan keeping me busy doing all the things. 

I have felt a gentle nudging since that talk with my therapist-a nudging in my spirit to let the ring go. To let the ring go and trust that God sees every tear and feels every pang of loss when I view that empty finger. So I took it off this morning but not without fear-I fear that my relatives might think that I am dishonoring my marriage to Dave, I fear that our older son, Patrick, may be angry that I am letting go of his dad (I honestly don't expect Jack to notice), I fear that my widow friends with whom i have vehemently defended the wearing of the ring might think I changed my mind, I fear that some people might even think that I want to move on as in enter a new relationship. 

I am trusting in the perfect love of God. And if you see me wistfully staring at my empty finger and crying, know that I need to grieve. Maybe give me a hug or a pat on the shoulder but let me grieve. I have been trying to hold it altogether and I need to truly let go and trust God with the whole plan.