learning to slide

One of Jack's favorite activities right now is going to a new local skate park. He rides his plasma car all over the place. Sometimes Elmo gets to ride on his own skateboard 

Sometimes Jack supermans and rides the skateboard himself. 

I pulled out my old rollerblades from back in the day and they broke so I got some good old fashioned roller skates so I can skate along 

I don't know all the proper skater lingo but Jack calls this sliding. 

It's been a minute (or several) since I have been on roller skates so I am not quite as brave as Jack and to keep up with him, I sit on my bottom and slide down some of these so he doesn't take off without me. 

At first, sliding on my bottom was the only way I could go down the "slides". I graduated to staying low and eventually being able to stand while sliding down some of the less steep ones. These slides cause me to roll faster than i am comfortable but I am learning to literally lean into the discomfort and let the ride take me far enough and I regain my footing. Seems like as soon I regain my footing though Jack is off sliding again.

If that isn't a metaphor for life.....

Temptation

Over the last 697 days, I developed a habit, an obsession. Facebook and One Drive have these lovely features that allow you to relive your memories on that date from as long as you have been posting/storing. I have been starting each day looking backwards, trying to remember what Dave was doing in each picture or why he wasn't in some pictures. In my head, i have been reliving all the things-the good, the bad, the mundane. Each day, i have been starting my life with Dave in it again. Throughout the day, I keep Dave present by ruminating about those days. I even laugh and argue with Dave in my head all over again like the moments are new. I miss Dave deeply because I love him deeply and he loved me deeply. This pain is the price of great love. I don't want to accept that he is gone and he's not coming back. He's not in the basement trying to figure out some stock thing. He's not just asleep in the bedroom because he stayed up way too late for no good reason and needs a nap now. He's not gone to the bank. He's not here, he's not coming back and I am sad, I'm angry, I am confused, and I don't know what I am doing with this life. I don't understand how this is part of God's good plan.  

But I am trying.....I told myself that I need to stop trying to live life in reverse and that I need to stay in the here and now with Jack, my family, and my friends. It's not really a choice anyway but Facebook keeps tempting me saying come on back here to the life you knew. It was different but it was mostly happy. 

I didn't know my life could get more different but here we are. 

Today I took off my wedding ring

 I believed and would have argued and told you that I continued wearing the ring to honor the fact that, in my heart, I am still married to Dave even though he has gone on to heaven. 

It's a hard truth to realize that I was wearing the ring to tether him back to this earth. It was a way of holding on as if yes, you only see me and Jack out and about but Dave is back at home doing his thing. I didn't want to look down at my hand with no ring and remember and grieve my loss. I have been desperately holding on nearly 2 years later as if he really might just reappear as quickly as he left. 

My therapist encouraged me that I have to grieve, truly allow myself time and space to grieve and I do not want to. He reminded me to trust in the God of the universe who created me, to truly trust him with all my pain and grief and to trust his plan. I would have claimed I was doing that. In truth, I have been busy managing all the things and believing that yes God was working his plan keeping me busy doing all the things. 

I have felt a gentle nudging since that talk with my therapist-a nudging in my spirit to let the ring go. To let the ring go and trust that God sees every tear and feels every pang of loss when I view that empty finger. So I took it off this morning but not without fear-I fear that my relatives might think that I am dishonoring my marriage to Dave, I fear that our older son, Patrick, may be angry that I am letting go of his dad (I honestly don't expect Jack to notice), I fear that my widow friends with whom i have vehemently defended the wearing of the ring might think I changed my mind, I fear that some people might even think that I want to move on as in enter a new relationship. 

I am trusting in the perfect love of God. And if you see me wistfully staring at my empty finger and crying, know that I need to grieve. Maybe give me a hug or a pat on the shoulder but let me grieve. I have been trying to hold it altogether and I need to truly let go and trust God with the whole plan. 

Jack is STILL Different--What to Say NOW

9 years ago, when I was writing on my old blog, www.allaccesspasstojack.blogspot.com, I wrote Really, We mean it. Let your kids comment. 

Jack at age 4 chillin out on his Winnie the Pooh couch. 

11 years ago on that same blog, I wrote What to Say.

Jack at age 2 tours the Kennedy Museum in Dallas from the comfort of his fancy car seat/stroller that he loved.

Can y'all believe Jack was ever so little? A whole lot of time has passed since those blogs.

Jack at age 13 hanging out at the YMCA with his old tattered friend, Elmo, after finishing his 1 mile walking workout. 

Our feelings on the subject are unchanged. We know Jack is different. We still like to make friends. Jack still likes to be around little children. He is not little anymore but I think he still identifies with small toddlers and preschool children the best. When children are squealing and running around in delight, Jack often runs toward the sound, laughing and trying to get in on the fun in his own way.

Jack is still very verbally delayed and does not verbalize his thoughts and feelings to us but we are certain that he knows he is different as well. Most of all and most of the time, he is happy. Life is not perfect and he has his moments. I do believe that there might have been a time or two over the years where his feelings might have been hurt while out and about and he acted up later when we returned home.

We are going to continue to get out and about and enjoy our lives. We know this means that there will inevitably be people who stop and stare without saying a word. We generally give those people a smile and a nod and if that does not knock that person out of his or her own head, we happily move on.

There are going to be children who embarrass the fire out of their parents by pointing directly at Jack and shouting loud enough for the whole world to hear from 10 miles away, "Look at that guy!!!!" We ask that you please get over it and realize that your kiddo has not said anything bad. He/she is just using his/her limited vocabulary to say that he/she is seeing something that he/she has never seen before. Say, "Hi" to us. We do not make it a habit of reprimanding people who try to be friendly to us. Jack is still very verbally delayed and has difficulty having a conversation but he can, with our help and sometimes without it, introduce himself and say, "Hello". You can explain to your child that there are people in this world who do not look like he/she does but we should try to treat everyone with kindness. You cannot be everyone's friend. The world does not work that way BUT you can be kind and treat others with respect.

I promise that we are trying to teach Jack the same. All people are valuable. Everyone does not have to be our favorite person ever but each person should be treated with kindness.

Jack most likely does not play the way you or your kids do. He has his own way of talking and interacting. A lot of people (including us sometimes) still do not understand a lot of way he says. BUT I have never met a person who made an effort to spend a little time with Jack who did not walk away feeling better.

He is still different. We still say the same thing. Just say hello and as long as Jack is not tugging us along to go somewhere else, we are ready to answer questions. Just ask.

Man Mom Friends, You are on Blast!

Hey all of you moms of grown men, yep, I am talking to you! Why didn't you tell me? Why doesn't everybody talk about this? Or were you all talking and I was so focused on my tiny, cute little munchkin that I did not hear you?

I mean, I knew and I know that little boys grow to be men. I know this. I have seen this happen to my nephews and to friends' little boys.

I also know that young men enter puberty and their hormones surge and they grow taller and all the other physical things.

What I didn't know.....Boys get moody just like girls. I thought that I had escaped this moodiness for no reason by having a boy instead of a girl. I thought that Y chromosome meant that my sweet natured boy would just be sweet natured unless there was actually something wrong. 

Jack is 13 years old. His physical body is rapidly developing and he is obviously experiencing the hormonal changes that go along with it. His socio-emotional development has not caught up with his 13 year body. Imagine the frustration of not really knowing what's going on and not even being able to express, "I am out of sorts and I don't know why. I just am." Add on top of that, he has *me* as his Mama. This weekend, I did a head to toe physical assessment to rule out any medical issues and seriously considered whether I should take him to the doctor to rule out increased pressure in his head.

Only after quizzing Dave did I realize that our boy is just moody/angry for no reason whatsoever and there is not a thing in the world I can do to make it right. I just have to be here supporting, guiding, and nurturing and helping him express himself the best he can. Can I just say it? UGH....

Running

I run. I do not run fast and I still take walk breaks but I run and I love it. 

I don't always love it while I am running but I always love that I did it when I am done. And sometimes, I get treated to sights such as this

Life these days feels like it is moving at warp speed and I am constantly scrambling just to nearly catch up. When I run, it's just me and the road or trail and occasionally a friend or two. Breathing and continuing to move is all that I have to do. Sometimes, I am exhausted at the end of a run but, somehow, spending this time exhausting myself physically rejuvenates my mind. I have a brighter outlook on life and I know that I am ready to take on the day. I know I can do more than my brain can comprehend. 

Running has reminded me that I am stronger than I look. Running reminds me that we are all in different places on our journeys but we are all doing our best at any given moment Running reminds me that external circumstances can have a big impact on what I can accomplish on any given day and that is perfectly okay. Running reminds me that sometimes I just need to slow down and let myself calm down. When I see beautiful sunrises, running reminds me that God above creates beauty out of the most ordinary of tasks. The sun rises everyday but each sunrise has its own gorgeous painting of the sky.

Check Your Doorknobs

We don't watch American Idol at our house......

Now, you don't believe me, right? LOL. Seriously, we don't watch it. We used to and that's how I know that they shout about going to Hollywood. BUT we have watched TV at our house with the sound muted for years. David and I read the closed captioning. If Jack is not making the noise, sudden loud noises can be upsetting for him so we have just adapted to watching TV this way. I have no idea why he started shouting, "Hollywood" when I started filming this video that was supposed to be Jack rapping. Maybe I can actually catch him some other time and get it on video for you. 

Now, that I have lured you in with the cuteness, let me hang my head in shame and heavily encourage you to check the locks on the doors in your home. More specifically, check that you are able to unlock every door in your home from the OUTSIDE. All of our interior upstairs doors have a twist lock on the inside and you can push a slender stick through the outside to get it unlocked. Until yesterday, I would have sworn to you that this was the case for every interior door in our home. 

Yesterday evening, Jack had a meltdown. He was just repeatedly shouting one word and lashing out with his arms and legs. I was able to catch and deflect his arms but he was making contact with his feet. Let me tell you, his legs are strong and I am no martyr or saint. I do not like to be hurt! I knew that I needed him to calm down but I had to calm down first to help him get there. As calmly as I could manage, I told him that his behavior was not safe and that we all needed to be safe. In an effort to make us safer, he was going to have to go sit alone where his arms and legs could not hurt anyone else. Since we were in the basement, I managed to escort him to the basement bathroom. Then, I locked the door. 

Jack can open the door locks to our interior and exterior doors. I really did not think anything of it other than it would slow him down a little if he tried to jump right back up and leave the bathroom. He didn't. He actually stood at the door shouting on the other side of it while I stood outside taking my own deep breaths and reminding myself that he was not in control of his behavior at the moment and my spanking or otherwise punishing him would not actually make anything better in the long term. 

It did not take long for me to reassure myself of my own beliefs and, by some miracle, Jack calmed himself down on the other side of that door. He started talking to me quite calmly and said, "Mama, open the door." I said, "Alright, buddy, unlock the door." He couldn't get the lock. I turned to Safety Dave and asked for one of the sticks we use to unlock the interior doors. He went and grabbed one only to find that the door did not unlock. 

Friends, let me take a quick detour and tell you that little Marie was locked in a closet more than once when she was small and one time accidentally locked herself in the bathroom in the dark at night with no window when she was very sick and very small. As a result, grown up Marie is claustrophobic, embarrassingly claustrophobic. 

Grown up claustrophobic Marie had locked her precious favorite person in the world in a bathroom with no window! Thank God the light was on.  Jack had not turned out the light like he sometimes does. My heart was pounding as I did my very best to remain calm and tell Jack to just "have a seat for a minute, Mama and Daddy are doing something". David unscrewed the door knob and pulled the exterior knob off. Jack pulled off the interior knob and said, "Help you, help you." wanting us to put the knob back on. This would have been funny if the door had opened but no! The lock was still engaged. Nothing would pry it loose. 

David ended up having to take the entire door apart. I don't even know what the door parts are called. He removed the molding from outside the door and we had to tell Jack to stand back while David tapped the door in. 

The whole event was probably less than 15 minutes but it felt like an eternity. 

We Googled and YouTubed and, apparently, these types of knobs require a skinny flathead object that you can put through the hole and twist in order to open the door. 

We survived 

but friends, take it from me, you want to make sure you know how to unlock all your keyless doors.